Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
