jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
