what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize