I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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