I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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