Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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