I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
