Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
