help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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