Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
