Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Be still, my beating vagina.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
