textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
