I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
