We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
