i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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