How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
