Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
