The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
