Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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