I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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