I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize