please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
