I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
not ubering you a puppy
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
