So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
