All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
