the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize