If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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