I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
