Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
