cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
