none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just google imaged poop.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
