You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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