either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
