conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
