haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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