Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
