I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just gargled with NyQuil
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
