I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
sex in a hospital.. check
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
