Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
