You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
