Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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