Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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