i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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