Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
