hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Soap is not a condiment
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
