I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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