i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
