I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
