There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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