closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
