I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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