you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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