did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize