I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
