I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize