I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
