He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
