I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
