kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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