I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
