apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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